Okay, so I need you to picture something for me. It’s September 5th, 2025. The White House. And there’s Mark fucking Zuckerberg sitting next to Donald Trump like they’re old golf buddies.
I’m not making this up.
The same Zuckerberg who was “deeply shaken and disgusted” by Trump’s rhetoric? Yeah, that guy. Now he’s at dinner praising the administration like his life depends on it. Which, let’s be real, his stock price probably does.
This whole dinner thing? It’s basically what happens when Medieval Times meets Silicon Valley meets that episode of Black Mirror where everyone’s forced to smile. These tech bros showed up with their tribute money (we’re talking hundreds of billions here, folks) and their best ass-kissing speeches memorized. Tim Cook alone promised $600 billion. SIX HUNDRED BILLION. That’s not investment, that’s a protection racket with appetizers.
The Ghost at the Feast
But here’s where it gets REALLY good.
Guess who wasn’t there? Elon. Fucking. Musk.
The guy who literally owns Twitter (sorry, X, whatever), who runs xAI, who’s supposedly building the future of artificial intelligence… he’s not at the AI dinner. You know why? Because back in June he called Trump’s spending bill a “disgusting abomination” and now he’s persona non grata. Boom. Canceled. Deleted from the group chat.
This is the same Elon who dropped $275 million to get Trump elected! Two hundred and seventy-five MILLION dollars! And now he’s watching Sam Altman (his biggest AI rival, btw) sit at Trump’s table talking about their $500 billion Stargate project. If this was a Netflix show, you’d call it unrealistic.
The pettiness levels here are astronomical. We’re talking middle school cafeteria dynamics but with nuclear codes.
“We’re Beating China!” (Narrator: They Weren’t)
And then there’s Trump going on and on about how America is “beating China by a lot” in AI. Sure, Jan. That’s like me saying I’m beating Usain Bolt in a race because I bought new Nikes.
Here’s what kills me: Half the people building AI in Silicon Valley are literally Chinese nationals on H-1B visas. But sure, we’re definitely beating China while they’re building supercomputers faster than we can build McMansions. Trump’s sitting there saying “we have the smartest people in the world right at this table” while China’s probably already deployed three new AI models since dessert was served.
The delusion is THICK. Like, you could cut it with a knife and serve it as a third course.
The Absolute State of These Cowards
I’ve seen some wild shit in my time covering tech, but watching Sam Altman’s transformation? Chef’s kiss
This man went from literally comparing Trump to 1930s dictators (you know which one) to saying, and I quote: “Thank you for being such a pro-business, pro-innovation president. It’s a very refreshing change.”
REFRESHING CHANGE??
Sam, my dude, the only thing that changed is your bank account’s dependency on federal contracts. At least own it. Don’t insult our intelligence.
And Tim Cook… god, Tim Cook. This man delivered his “$600 billion investment” line with all the enthusiasm of someone reading their own obituary. You could practically see his soul leaving his body as he thanked Trump for his “incredible leadership.” The same Trump who wanted to tariff the shit out of iPhones! It’s giving Stockholm Syndrome but make it capitalist.
Don’t even get me started on Bill Gates being there. You know Trump’s base LOST THEIR MINDS about that, right? Their conspiracy theory boogeyman sitting right there at the table. Laura Loomer practically had a stroke on Twitter. The QAnon crowd was convinced this was proof of… something? Everything? Who knows anymore.
When Your Own Fans Realize You’re Full of Shit
And speaking of Trump’s base, holy hell did they melt down over this dinner.
Here’s their populist hero, their drain-the-swamp crusader, literally dining with the exact tech elite they’ve been programmed to hate. The “censorship cabal.” The “deep state big tech overlords.” All of them. At dinner. With Trump. Making deals.
@WallStreetApes (yeah that’s a real account with a million followers) posted “Something has gone VERY wrong tonight.” No shit, Sherlock. Your billionaire daddy was always just another billionaire. The man gold-plates his toilets. Did you really think he was gonna eat McDonald’s with you in the parking lot?
What This Dinner Actually Was
Look, let me break this down for you without the fancy words.
This wasn’t a dinner. It was a shakedown with fancy plates. Every single one of these CEOs did the math: A few hours of public humiliation in exchange for:
- Billions in government contracts
- Getting the feds off their antitrust backs
- Protection from those annoying Europeans who actually care about privacy
- Not being on Trump’s shit list (see: Elon Musk)
Sundar Pichai literally thanked Trump for helping with Google’s antitrust case. The same case Trump’s first administration filed!! It’s like thanking someone for only breaking one of your legs.
The Moral of This Extremely Fucked Up Story
So what did we learn, kids?
That Silicon Valley’s principles are worth exactly as much as the federal contracts they’re chasing. That “threats to democracy” become “innovative leaders” real quick when there’s money involved. That you can ban someone for “inciting violence” on Wednesday and have surf & turf with them on Thursday if they control the DOJ.
The funniest part? While all this dinner theater was happening, China was probably launching another AI satellite or whatever they do at 2am Beijing time. They don’t need fancy dinners. They just… build stuff.
But hey, at least we won the important battle: getting tech CEOs to publicly humiliate themselves for our entertainment. Tim Cook said $600 billion! Google said $250 billion! It’s like a demented auction where everyone’s bidding with Monopoly money and their dignity.
The only winner in this whole circus? Elon Musk. And that’s only because he got himself uninvited. When getting excommunicated by Donald Trump represents a moral victory, you know we’ve driven straight through rock bottom and are currently drilling toward the earth’s core.
Welcome to Tech Silicon Valley 2025: Where your values are made up and your principles don’t matter. But hey, at least they’re finally being honest about being corporate whores. Progress!